Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat,
when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat,
the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat,
at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat,
Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat,
she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat,
that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

Yo momma's so fat,
I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama' so fat,
she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat,
they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat,
she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat,
the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat,
all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"

Yo momma's so fat,
when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat,
instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Yo momma's so fat,
when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat,
she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat,
a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat,
her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Insulting Jokes

Your so ugly that when you walk into a room all the mice scream and jump on chairs

Your so poor you had to have a cockroch trip me and a mouse steal my wallete

Your so poor that when i walked into your house with a lighter everyone began to sing, "raise your hands, stomp your feet, praise the lord cuz we got some heat!"

Your so stupid you sold your vcr for a vidoe tape

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible
Margaret Mead

"He's a male chauvinistic piglet."
Betty Friedan talking about Groucho Marx

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
Cynthia Heimel

"Bambi with testosterone."
Owen Gleiberman on The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

"He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth."
Pauline Kael talking about Robert Redford

"In conversation he is even duller than in writing, if that is possible."
Juliana Smith on Noah Webster

"He's a great singer - but he's not the most masculine guy, is he?"
Alexander O'Neal on Michael Jackson

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

A wife of 40 should be like money You should be able to change her for two of 20
Anon

She tells enough white lies to ice a cake
Dorothy Parker

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
John Cantu

My wife asked what it would take to make her look good I said "About a mile"
Anon

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
Bob Fosse

Some women are BLONDE on their Mother's side, some from their Father's side - she is from Peroxide.
Anon

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age."
Oscar Levant talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats."
Walter Kerr on Ethel Merman

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles

"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon

"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor

She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon

Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon

See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon